Thursday, August 6, 2009

Emotional Rollercoaster

Whoa! That's all I really have to say about the last few days. I feel like I've been put through an emotional ringer and have been left with nothing but red puffy eyes and an ambivelant heart.

Everything started off with our appointment on Tuesday, I was so nervous to see the concern the doctor had when Colin wasn't moving enough but decided to keep the emotions in check and not freak out until we had answers (I managed to keep the emotional outburst at bay but it doesn't mean there wasn't a storm of emotions going on in my heart and gutt). When we did the biophysical test and he was perfectly fine I felt like I could breathe again. At the same time I felt like I had been slapped in the face with a whole new set of things to think about.

I had kind of figured we'd be delivering around this time when I was put on bed rest but it was one of those things that wasn't real until I had a date and hospital orders in hand. My head has been swirling with checklists, plans, etc. The one good thing is that this is baby #2 so I know what worries to get over and give up (like not having the perfectly finished and decorated nursery which my child isn't going to see for weeks- that's easy to get over). There's silly stuff like not being able to sew blankets for Ashley and Colin that I really wanted them both to have from me and now they'll have to wait- I don't know why that bothers me so much but it brings me to tears everytime I think about it (at least I know that's a silly thing to cry about). Then there's the big one, I only have days, not weeks to spend with just me and my girl and I'm stuck in the house on the couch or bed. I didn't really have big plans for her and I before his birth, but I didn't think we'd spend them locked up in the house. This is where my brain makes me crazy. I know Ashley's life and our family's life will be richer, more blessed and more wonderful with the addition of Colin, I KNOW THIS. But, I can't help but want to hold on to the last bit of time we have and I have to admit there's a part of me that doesn't want to give this life up. The three of us know eachother, we know the routine, we have our special ways of showing love to eachother and we just flow so well together. I know my heart will grow and I'll have just as much love for Colin without having to sacrifice love for Ashley, but I wonder how I'll have enough arms to hug them both enough each day, hands to tickle them and time to just be with each of them enough each day. My greatest fear is that some how I'll fail and my angel of a daughter will feel like she's on the sidelines or has taken the backseat. I wonder if the freakish hormones, lack of sleep and twice as much work will make me ever snap at her or get frustrated with her when I shouldn't. I just love her and the sweet and gentle soul she has and I never want to scar it. I know everyone says it all just works out and the love is just there from the moment the new family member enters the world but I can't help but wonder if I'll somehow be the exception.

At this point in life, I know we've done a good job making sure Ashley knows how much we love and cherish her, in fact, I'll say an excellent job. I know this because at some point of every day she will stop in the middle of a game, a cartoon, time in the pool or while she's helping me prepare food and just tell me she loves me so much and you can see it and feel it just from the look in her eyes. I know we've shown her what it feels like to be loved and how important it is to love your family and let them know. I guess I wonder if I'll do something to make her question those feelings and I might somehow undo the work Jason and I have put in.

I know most of this is probably brought on by anxiety over the birth, hormones, lack of sleep and just the idea of such a big change but I just don't want to fail. I don't want to fail my children or my husband. I've watched so many friends slip into the role of mom of 1 to 2 so gracefully and I just hope I can do it half as well as them. I know it's not possible if I just assume I wont be able to pull this off, so tonight I'm going to try to shift my thoughts from wishing things were different to accepting things as they are, believing in my abilities as a mom and wife instead of doubting them and trusting that God will give me the energy, patience and strength I need to get through the rough stuff in the beginning so I can feel somewhat successful in this transition. Heck, I'll be grateful if God will just give me the sense of humor needed to laugh every time I feel like I'm failing.

So, I feel like I've been riding emotional rollercoasters from Magic Mountain and I'd like to switch parks and get a ticket to Wild Rivers so I can feel like I'm on the lazy river, peacefully going with the flow. I'll let you know how it all works out.